Metal Gear Santa
by Moff
Summary: The third installment of the Adventures of Solid Snake. Much more demented. Feedback wanted. Come on. Give it to me straight.
1. The Capture

  
  
The Adventures of Solid Snake  
  
  
Episode Three: Metal Gear Santa (Part One)  
  
  
  
Solid Snake's Alaskan Cabin, 12:06 PM  
  
  
"Ah," said Solid Snake as he slid into the knew hottub that had just recently been installed. "I'm all alone for the weekend. No Meryl to tell me what to do, and no Meryl to pleasure me orally." Snake sighed, shook his head, and muttered, "I am so lonely."  
  
  
In A Laboratory Thousands of Miles Away, 12:06 PM  
  
  
In a laboratory thousands of miles away, a nerdy scientist was working feverishly as a dark figure held a FA-MAS assault rifle to the back of his head.  
  
"Can you go any slower?" the figure hissed.  
  
"I-I'm going as fast as I can," Otacon whimpered. He typed quickly on the keypad in front of him. The designs for a gargantuan robot terror appeared in a flash on the computer screen. The dark figure grinned widely.  
  
"Excellent, my foolish friend. Solid Snake will never suspect THIS!"  
  
  
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 1:57 PM  
  
  
Colonel Roy Campbell crouched in the dumpster in the alley behind Wendy's, feasting upon a half-frozen T.V. dinner. With him he had a portable 13 1/2" black-n-white television, which he was currently using to watch disgusting homosexual bondage beastiality porn.  
  
Campbell took a large bite of the soft green peas, grimaced, and spat out the nasty food. He stared carefully at the pornographic feature, entitled "Joe Camel Meets A Dozen Famous Porn Stars". A simple title, Campbell had to admit. But also a catchy one!  
  
"This is the most entriguing piece of art I have ever witnessed," Campbell whispered, almost knocking the television set over with his raging hard-on.  
  
Suddenly...BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Campbell's Codec continued to beep for several seconds as he dug furiously through a mound of half-eaten sandwiches searching for the damned thing...  
  
Success! The Colonel activated the Codec and stared intently at the glowing screen. He was looking into the face of Solid Snake, one of his dearest friends.  
  
"What are you calling at this hour for, Snake?" questioned the Colonel as he cast aside his half-finished T.V. dinner.  
  
"I'm having some concerns," Snake said. "I'm beginning to get the feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something bad."  
  
"Uh, you already said it was going to be bad," said Campbell.  
  
Snake looked confused for a moment before he shook his head and said, "Nevermind. The point is...wait a minute? Is that gay animal bondage porn you're gawking at?"  
  
"Uh, um," stammered the Colonel, "no. Not at all. What would make you think such a thing?"  
  
Behind him on the television, a sheep bahhed loudly. "Bad sheepy!" cried a she-male as he/she/it stroked the frightened farm animal.  
  
"You're truly disgusting, Roy!" Snake nearly screamed. "Forget we ever had this conversation!" And with that, Snake signed off.  
  
"Well," said Campbell to himself. "I wonder what's got HIS panties in a wad!"  
  
"BAHHHHH!!"  
  
"Come back here, you naughty beast!"  
  
WHIII-SNAP! Went the whip. WHIII-SNAP!  
  
  
Otacon's Personal Quarters, 5:17 PM  
  
  
Otacon sat on his bed, sulking. He had removed his eyeglasses and placed them on the nightstand, and now he began to cry. This continued for nearly an hour or so before a knock came at his door.  
  
"Who is it?" Otacon asked, still whimpering.  
  
"It's your employer," said the voice on the other side. "Now open this door before I blast my way in."  
  
A frightened Otacon did as he was told and rushed to unlock the door. The door swung open, and standing there, looking as truly queer as ever, was Liquid Snake.  
  
Liquid was dressed in a heavy trenchcoat, and he had a Desert Eagle pistol at his side. On the villain's chest was a mechanical life support system, which breathed and pumped blood for him.  
  
"I require your assistance, slave," said Liquid, grinning widely. "The Metal Gear is having, shall we say, problems."  
  
"What kind of problems?" asked Otacon.  
  
"That is of no concern right now," continued Liquid. "Right now, we need you in the control room. NOW."  
  
"Yes, sir!" Otacon squeeked as Liquid shoved him out of his room and into the hallway.  
  
  
Solid Snake's Bedroom, 6:46 PM  
  
  
Snake lay awake, staring up at the ceiling of his nearly vacant room. How he missed his Meryl. Suddenly, Snake had another flashback of Campbell pleasuring himself. He nearly retched right then and there, but then tried desperately to force the horrible thoughts from his brain by trying to picture his beloved Meryl. Ah, Meryl.  
  
But it was no use! Campbell continued to intrude, laughing his head off as he beat off in his secret dumpster.  
  
"I'm losing my goddamn mind!" Snake blurted out. He leaped off of the bed and launched himself through the second story window in his room.  
  
Snake never really felt the pain as he collided with the snowy, Alaskan ground. But that was most likely because he fell on his head, rendering him completely unconcious. Had it not been for the twelve armed soldiers standing nearby, Snake most certainly would have died.  
  
  
A Secret Torture Room, 8:23 PM  
  
  
Bright lights, mind swimming, eyesight blurry...  
  
Snake opened his eyes to a strange world, and found himself strapped into a heavy, metal chair. Some sort of torture device, he thought to himself. His hands were bound with bonds of steel. He was pinned down.  
  
"Well, brother. It appears that you have been caught in my web," said a man with a British accent. "Much like the spider is caught by the fly."  
  
"Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?" questioned Snake.  
  
A pause. "It doesn't fucking matter!" the man screamed. He was somewhere behind Snake, that much was for certain.  
  
"Now," said the British man, "back to the subject. You are here. You are trapped. I am your captor. Any questions?"  
  
"Yes," groaned Snake. "Who are you?"  
  
The man cackled loudly, much like an old woman would cackle, much like a witch, or perhaps something to that affect. "You never were all that smart, Snake."  
  
"Oh, wait!" Snake cried. "I know who you are! You're Psycho Mantis! I might have known, you fiend!"  
  
Suddenly, the man leaped out in front of Snake, anger and hatred surging through him. It was, of course, Liquid Snake.  
  
"Mantis is dead, you fucking moron!" Liquid spat. "Who the HELL do you think I am? Mother Fucking Teresa!?"  
  
"I never would have thought that," said Snake, plainly. "She's dead, after all."  
  
"But you now see that it is I, your brother, Liquid Snake!" Liquid exclaimed.  
  
"Yes," Snake answered. "But you had me fooled for quite a while."  
  
"I see that the fall seems to have damaged your memory," said Liquid. "Perhaps even your already low I.Q."  
  
"Was that some sort of diss?" demanded Snake.  
  
Liquid shook his head in aggravation and stomped around for several moments before turning back to Snake.  
  
"As you can see, dear brother, you are attached to a torture device." Snake appeared to follow so far. Liquid continued. "When I walk over here"--Liquid moved over to a control panel with a vast amount of dials and switches--"and activate the device, electricity will be sent coursing through your body."  
  
"Yes," said Snake. "Very much like the device used on me by Ocelot."  
  
"Yes," Liquid agreed. "Oh, and while we're on the subject of Ocelot, you did a fine job of killing him."  
  
"It was quite easy really," Snake replied. "He did most of the work himself."  
  
"I see," said Liquid. "Now, on with the torture."  
  
"Hey," began Snake. "Can't we talk about--"  
  
But it was too late! Liquid flipped the appropriate switches, twisted the correct dials, and punched the right buttons. The machine hummed to life and Snake was attacked viciously with volt after volt of burning electricity!  
  
"AHAHAHAH!" exclaimed Liquid. "Quite like a barbeque isn't it, Snake?"  
  
Snake didn't answer. His body was twisted in some sort of odd shape that can only be made when the body is zapped with vast amounts of electricity. The man screamed loudly, much like a cat will scream loudly when it is hit by a car, not killed, but crushed. Yes, that is quite what it was like.  
  
This severe form of punishment went on for several minutes before Liquid deactivated the machine. The powerful generators powered down, and Snake was left in the device, slumped to one side, his body emitting a dense cloud of putrid smoke.  
  
"I think I overdid it," said Liquid with a chuckled. The evil bastard gestured to two henchmen who came forward, unlatched the unconcious Solid Snake, and dragged him to his cell. What would await him there?  
  
Tune in next time for the conclusion of "Metal Gear Santa"!  
  
  



	2. The Battle

  
  
The Adventures of Solid Snake  
  
  
Episode Three: Metal Gear Santa (Part Two)  
  
  
  
When we last saw Solid Snake he was in the clutches of his evil and very gay brother, Liquid Snake. Liquid, filled with anger and hate, strapped his twin brother into a torture device and fried the hell out of him. After the torture, Snake was dragged off to his cell. And now, the conclusion.  
  
  
Solid Snake's Cell, 9:07 PM  
  
  
Solid Snake awoke in a cold cell, his head and body aching badly. Man, he thought to himself. This is worse than a hangover! Snake pulled himself to his feet, feeling a bit dizzy. His shirt and shoes were gone, but his pants (thank God), he still wore.  
  
"It sure is cold in here," Snake mumbled to himself.  
  
Outside of his cell, a guard hissed, "Shattup in there!"  
  
"Bite me, asshole," Snake muttered under his breath. The guard didn't hear him. Snake quickly took a look around, saw only one door (locked) in his small cell, and then sat down hard on the concrete floor. "Well, Otacon," Snake said to himself, "if you don't show up, I'm a gonner."  
  
  
Otacon's Personal Quarters, 9:07 PM  
  
  
"If I don't stop Liquid," Otacon said to himself, "Snake'll be a gonner!"  
  
As if on command, the door swung open, revealling Liquid Snake. He seemed to be in a bit of distress, and that was when Otacon realized the problem. Liquid's life support system was malfuntioning. He couldn't breath.  
  
Good! Otacon thought to himself. Now he'll die and I'll be free!  
  
"Help me, you bastard!" Liquid choked.  
  
"What makes you think I will?" Otacon asked smugly.  
  
Liquid raised a FA-MAS assault rifle and pointed it in the general direction of Otacon's crotch. The frightened Otacon reacted quickly, rushing to Liquid's side. It took a few seconds of fiddling about with the wires before the life support was back on-line.  
  
"Snake, you sonuvabitch," Liquid muttered after he had gotten his breath. "If he hadn't found me pleasuring myself with a stick of jerky in that freezer, I wouldn't have to be hooked up to this damned thing!"  
  
"Well," said Otacon, bravely. "I'd say you deserved it!"  
  
"Ungrateful little shit," Liquid spat. He shot out a muscular right arm and caught an unsuspecting Otacon in the balls. The nerdy scientist squealed, fell to the floor, and passed out.  
  
Liquid grinned widely and quickly left the room.  
  
  
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 9:45 PM  
  
  
Colonel Roy Campbell bit into a meatball sandwich (which he had found lying discarded in the dumpster) while he read the latest issue of "Large Asses", the magazine devoted to people's large asses. The cover of this such particular issue featured the hairy and sagging butt of Ernest Borgnine. Campbell saw this as sexual entertainment.  
  
"Oh, Ernie," Campbell whispered. "How you light my FIRE!"  
  
Without warning, Campbell's Codec began to beep loudly and rapidly. The Colonel reached for the device, activated it, and was greeted by Mei Ling. The hot and young Japanese woman looked worried. No matter. Roy Campbell would get to the bottom of it!  
  
"What do you want, Mei Ling?" Campbell asked.  
  
"I just thought that you would like to know," said Mei Ling, "that I have not heard from Snake."  
  
"So what?" Campbell muttered. "We NEVER hear from him!"  
  
"Yes," Mei Ling continued, "but I REALLY thought he was going to call me. He's such a hunk of a man, you know..."  
  
"Ah, um," the Colonel gasped. "I-I don't know what you mean! Homosexual? Who ever said I was THAT?"  
  
Mei Ling looked puzzled. "What ARE you talking about, Roy?"  
  
Relieved that Mei Ling had not discovered his terrible secret, Campbell said quickly, "Oh. I-It's nothing."  
  
"Wait a minute," Mei Ling said. "Is that a naked picture of...ERNEST BORGNINE!?"  
  
"I can explain, dammit!" Campbell roared.  
  
"Sir, I never would have guessed that you were interested in men," Mei Ling began. "I was quite sure that it was cows, b-but...MEN?"  
  
"Ahem," the Colonel said, embarassingly. "I-I y'know...just get the, um...the, uh, magazines for th-the...articles. Yes! Articles! That's all."  
  
"There is a saying where I come from," Mei Ling said. "If you purchase a homosexual magazine for entertainment, you are a homosexual."  
  
"I'm not so sure that's a saying," Campbell mumbled.  
  
The serious face of Mei Ling disappeared as she deactivated her Codec. Campbell was once again left alone to stare at Ernest Borgnine's ass.  
  
"You are so CUTE!" Campbell whispered.  
  
  
Solid Snake's Cell, 10:13 PM  
  
  
Snake, now almost fully recovered from his terrible ordeal, had hatched a near fool-proof plan. He would pretend that he was dead, and when the guard noticed that there was something wrong he would come into the cell, and then Snake would kick his sorry ass!  
  
"It's brilliant!" Snake exclaimed.  
  
"Shut the hell up, you bastard!" the guard shrieked.  
  
"Touchy little shit," Snake grumbled.  
  
It was time to work the ol' Solid Snake "charm".  
  
"Oh!" Snake cried, clutching his chest. "Oh...OOOH! This is the worst pain EVER! UGH!" Snake did his worst performance ever and collapsed in a jumbled heap.  
  
The guard, having the intellegence of a half retarted lab rat, believed that the prisoner was truly dead. He quickly unlocked the door and rushed inside.  
  
Snake bolted straight up just as the guard exclaimed, "Hey! You're not dead!"  
  
The foolish guard had neither the time to scream nor the time to shit himself. Snake kicked him in the groin and snapped his neck in two.  
  
"Ahh," Snake whispered dreamily. "Nothing like the sound of snapping bone and senew in the...evening."  
  
Snake robbed the guard of his FA-MAS and clothing, then rushed out of the cell and into a nearby hallway. He continued on, not knowing exactly what he was doing. Who should he contact? Who should he avoid? What was Meryl wearing at that exact moment? Perhaps nothing? Perhaps not!  
  
  
A Large Storage Facility, 10:21 PM  
  
  
Liquid smiled to himself as he stared up at the behemoth of a robot. Standing exactly one hundred feet tall, it was (without a doubt), almost unstoppable. The doomsday weapon had only one flaw, one weakness...it's unshielded groin, where most of the vital circuitry was located. No matter, Liquid thought. Snake would be dead before he get a chance to even SHOOT the robot's nuts.  
  
"Our little glitch is fixed?" Liquid asked Otacon, who was busy cowering in the corner.  
  
"Uh, y-yes," squeaked the scientist.  
  
"You may take him back to his room." Liquid motioned to two armed henchmen, who dragged Otacon away and out of sight.  
  
Liquid returned his attention to the robot. He smiled again.  
  
"Time for you to see your late Christmas present, Snake," Liquid said to himself. He began to chuckle.  
  
  
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 10:33 PM  
  
  
"Welcome to the Farm Lover's Channel. All farm animals, all the time."  
  
Campbell stared, open mouthed, at the television screen. Beastiality was one of his favorite forms of pornography, and he loved it very dearly.  
  
"Tonight's movie," said the T.V., "is 'Milk The Cow', the 1987 classic that brought you animal lovers to your knees."  
  
"I can vouch for THAT!" Campbell said as he quickly jerked off into a bowl of cream of mushroom soup.  
  
Any moment, Campbell thought. Any moment that damn Codec will beep. I know it!  
  
But, it never did.  
  
  
Janitor's Closet, 10:34 PM  
  
  
Snake ripped open the door of the janitor's closet, peered inside. A mop, a bucket of grey water...and a cardboard box marked "Snake's Belongings"!  
  
The box was quickly torn apart and looted. Snake donned his gear (which included his Codec) and rushed out of the closet. He grabbed the communication device that was his Codec and quickly rang up Mei Ling.  
  
"Hello," said Mei Ling. "Oh...SNAKE! Where have you been?"  
  
"No time for small talk," Snake said. "I'm trapped in some sort of underground base. Liquid is running the show."  
  
"Your twin brother?" questioned Mei Ling.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well," Mei Ling said, a sexy and aroused smile spreading across her face, "I'm sure there's a LITTLE time to chat."  
  
"Not really," Snake said, matter of factly. "Liquid probably has his soldiers looking for me right now. I'm not safe here."  
  
"Oh, come on, Snake!" Mei Ling nearly shrieked. "Talk dirty to me!"  
  
"Woah, lady!" Snake exclaimed. "I think we got our signals crossed here. You see, I need help."  
  
"Then why didn't you call the Colonel?"  
  
At this, Snake shuddered and groaned. "You can't POSSIBLY expect me to call Roy!"  
  
"Well," Mei Ling said plainly. "Then I can't help you."  
  
"You little whore!" Snake yelled. "You were always so helpful!"  
  
"Perhaps," said Mei Ling quietly. "But that was the old Mei Ling. I'm not your bitch anymore, Solid Snake!"  
  
"Please," Snake pleaded. "Mei Ling, I apologize. Please, get me out of this mess!"  
  
"There is a saying where I come from, Snake," Mei Ling began. "If you don't talk dirty to a girl, she won't pull your sorry ass out of the fire."  
  
"I've had enough of your sayings, you dirty slut," Snake growled. He was seething with anger now. "If you won't help me, I guess I'll just have to help myself!!"  
  
Snake threw the Codec and watched as it landed in the bucket of dirty water. It fizzed, crackled, and died. So long, you bitch! Snake thought to himself. Ahah!  
  
"So there you are, brother," came the voice of Liquid. Snake whipped around and came face-to-face with his twin brother. "You were making such a racket," Liquid continued. "It was almost a shame to have to shut you up."  
  
"I suppose you're going to kill me now," Snake mumbled.  
  
"Yes," said Liquid, "but first I want to show you something."  
  
  
A Large Storage Facility, 10:47 PM  
  
  
Snake stared in amazement as he entered the large warehouse. A gigantic robotic Santa Claus, perhaps a hundred feet high, stood in the center of the facility. Liquid smirked.  
  
"Amazing!" Snake exclaimed.  
  
"Yes," Liquid gloated. "It is."  
  
"You've actually managed to create something utterly stupid!"  
  
"What!?" Liquid hissed.  
  
Snake turned around and smiled. "I just find it funny how you put so much time and effort into...THIS." He gestured to the gigantic eyesore.  
  
"You sorry little meanie!" Liquid gasped. "I'm gonna bitch-slap you like you'd NEVER believe!"  
  
Liquid struck. He lunged forward, hissing, swiping with his feminine hands. His form was terrible, and he missed by a mile. Snake dodged easily, tripped his brother, and then twisted his arm behind his back.  
  
"OW!" Liquid shrieked. He continued to squeal like a little girl.  
  
"Say UNCLE!" Snake roared.  
  
"Never!" Liquid screamed. "I'll never say!"  
  
Snake twisted Liquid's arm at an odd angle, heard the familiar snap of a compound fracture, and kicked his brother in the head.  
  
"UNCLE!" Liquid nearly screamed at the top of his lungs. "UNCLE I SAY!!!"  
  
Snake released his death-grip and stomped on Liquid's hand. Liquid quickly curled up into a little ball and began to cry.  
  
"Fucking pussy," Snake spat. "Never could win at a MAN's fight!"  
  
Before Snake could continue to taunt his weaker and much more gay brother, the loud growl of hydrolics filled the warehouse. Snake turned and stared in horror as the gigantic Metal Gear Santa roared into life!  
  
"Holy shit," Snake groaned. "This is a whole new ball game!"  
  
Metal Gear Santa let out a Godzilla-like roar and stomped toward the unarmed Solid Snake. Liquid, however, giggled. He giggled as if this were some sort of terribly funny joke. Snake on the other hand, ran his ass off.  
  
Snake ran over to a guard who was standing nearby, paralized with fear. He never noticed Snake as he stole his FA-MAS. Solid Snake turned to face Metal Gear Santa, let out a war cry, and began to fire.  
  
Hot tracer bullets streaked through the air, striking the robot in the shins, and richocheted off harmlessly. Snake cursed and leaped to his left as the Metal Gear released its own lead. Twin miniguns dropped down from the robot's armpits and began to unload 3000 rounds a minute, all of which striking the unlucky bastard of a guard.  
  
"I can't beat this thing!" Snake hissed.  
  
Metal Gear Santa roared again, and launched two side-winder missiles. The point of having a robot equipped with side-winders was unclear to Snake at that moment, but it didn't really matter all that much anyway.  
  
The two missles struck the wall a few yards from Snake, the explosion lifting him off of his feet and then flinging him across the warehouse. After rolling a couple dozen times and ending up in a jumbled heap, Snake decided that he had lost.  
  
But then: "Go for the crotch, Snake. The crrrrroooottttch!"  
  
The voice of Otacon spoke to him from far away, perhaps in his head. Somehow, Snake decided, Otacon was speaking to him telepathically. It was the only way to explain...but then Snake saw Otacon with a megaphone, speaking to him from a booth a few stories above.  
  
"Well," Snake muttered, "that shoots down MY theory!"  
  
Snake grabbed the wall and pulled himself to his feet. He then turned to Metal Gear Santa, his FA-MAS drawn. One chance, that's all he had...  
  
Suddenly, the robot unleashed a metal tentacle with a three-fingered hand at the tip. The hand grabbed Snake and pulled him up close to the robot's face. Damn! Snake thought. Liquid had obviously modeled this Santa after himself! What an UGLY sonavubitch!  
  
"HO HO HO!" The robotic Santa Claus roared.  
  
"Fuck you!" Snake screamed. He pointed the assault rifle in the direction of the robot's groin, and held the trigger. A long spray of FA-MAS fire streaked through the air, hitting their mark.  
  
Sparks exploded from where the robot's dick would have been, had he been equipped with such, well, equipment. And then, a giant fireball as the vital circuits fizzed and burst. The robot's eyes flickered and he uttered a weak "HO HO...HO?"  
  
And then...BOOM! The robot's lower half exploded, leaving the top half suspended in the air for a brief, almost magical moment, before it too tumbled to the metal floor in a flaming heap of wreckage. Snake was flung clear of the blast, oh yes indeedy! How could he die? Being the hero of the story and all, it would just be cruel!  
  
  
Outside the Warehouse, Midnight  
  
  
Snake watched in satisfaction as the warehouse exploded, sending deadly flaming shrapnel in all directions.  
  
"I'm just glad all of the good guys in this story lived!" Snake exclaimed.  
  
Suddenly, Otacon appeared from the wreckage, clutching his wounded belly. "Snake..." he gasped.  
  
The scientist collapsed and fell face-first in the snow. Snake rushed to his side, grabbed him up in his arms, and screamed: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
  
Does Otacon die? Does Meryl appear to Snake in the nude? Does the Colonel continue to watch animal porn? The answer to all of these questions is "YES". Well, except for the part where Otacon dies. He lives, unfortunately. He did, however, have to spent six months in the hospital.  
  
"His injuries were THAT serious?" questioned Snake, after hearing the news.  
  
"No," the doctor replied. "We were able to repair his innards within two hours. But afterwards, in the recovery room, an angry Metal Gear fan broke into the hospital and shot him fifty times with a Glock 40."  
  
"That would require quite a bit of reloading, wouldn't it?" Snake said. "Why didn't anyone try to stop him?"  
  
"Well," said the doctor. "To be pefectly honest, we all share his views. Death to Otacon!"  
  
"What a shitty ending," Liquid mumbled. "The readers never found out what happened to ME!"  
  
"Everyone knows you died in that horrible warehouse explosion," Snake said.  
  
"Or...so you THINK!" Liquid exclaimed. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"  
  
  
  
THE END...? Yes, it is.  
  
  
  



End file.
